To sum it up, I've reached your blog eventually merely by late-night internet surfing to reduce the intense boredness I always experience due to my permanent insomnia. I read your topic about sexual problems on Fok, gained interest and read your profile, eventually stranding on your site.
Anyway, I'm posting out of a high amount of interest in your psychological state of mind. You're depressed, obviously, but with a reason, in contrary to the overmost part of the depressed population. Anyway, as you most probably know, depression is merely a phase. Feeling depressed can take weeks, but is mostly reduced to several hours of intense unhappiness. During those... 'attacks', rationality and common sense are being repressed, which is why so much bad choices are made then.
I'm saying all this regarding to your suicidal thoughts, maybe attempts even. I'd understand should you be only irritated or insulted by my words, but still. Suicide is quitting. What reason do you have, for crying out loud? Yes you have pain, yes you have a shitty life, but it's a life. Not like that's something to hold on to, or to embrace, but you can always quit a day later. If you're really so gifted as you seem to say, I'd think you would be intelligent enough to see that. Even though your life could be referred to as a hell, it couldn't possibly get worse from here on. Why not wait out eternal nothingness?
I hope I haven't insulted you with my words. My intentions are friendly meant.
(PS: As you are a rare case, and are experiencing psychological problems which only a sheer number of people can identify themselves with, I would be very interested in speaking you somewhat more directly on the medium of MSN. My e-mail is joop_megavegeta@hotmail.com, I know, so childish. Anyway, give it a thought, I won't laugh at you and I will listen. If contact is established and you decide it was a bad choice, block and delete is always an option.)
Yes, suicide is quitting, that's why I'll never do it if I can prevent it. At some points it's hard to keep confronting the intense emotional pain, however. At least my issues can be resolved physically, for which I'm really glad :)
I can't be one to throw any stones so to speak, I struggle with depression myself. One fact that I have to keep telling myself is that I do have good days where I can actually get things done.
It is so hard to make plans and get anything done. One day I am fine and have all these aspirations, the next I throw them all away and start telling myself that life is pointless.
It helps to write things down. On my good days I am figuring out to write all my thoughts down. This helps so that when I am down I read them and am able to see that I have proof that I am making progress and do have a future that is atainable. If my "good" side ever comes back around I can also see where I left off and get back on track.
Going through major depression it also seems that it is best to just shut down. Take a break for yourself and don't do anything stupid. There are so many temptations when you are depressed. Keep on truckin on.
Alcohol. I often think about how it is used to get females to do things they wouldn't normaly do. I suppose it is because it is a depressant.
I relate this to how I feel on those bad days. Somehow I have to try not to do anything stupid when my inhabitions have been compromised. God it is so hard.
I recognize a lot of the things you describe. It's indeed important to write down or otherwise have some way to remind yourself of the progress you have made, and the things which are worth living for. For me it's my work and hobbies mostly which keep me going.
And yes, while in one of those moods it's easy to do something you'll regret forever, assuming you survive it.
I guess it's why they say that friends are the most important asset one can have in these times. I really don't know what I would do without my housemate :)
June 20, 2008, 2:18 am 
I have added you on MSN ^_^
